Friday, 11 January 2013


Did I mention what a stupid idea emptying an entire room single handedly in a hoard house, in less than a week, while ill, was?


Well it is. It really is.

(as an aside, things currently removed from the Dragon Hoard number such items as a five foot wooden lamp base, about 15 empty boxes, five huge fake flower arrangements. Or was it 6? I don't know but there are masses of dust filled fake flowers. A tv, a video, two large boards from a long dead piece of furniture and a stockpile of ancient and odd lightbulbs and 6 jigsaws. Plus two binbags worth of rubbish. I am barely 3ft into the room. This is going to get so much worse.)


Tuesday, 8 January 2013

December Duckery And Dragons

Despite all the dragon mentions on this blog, I long ago decided that if I had to choose a totem animal it would be the humble duck. Serene above the waterline and paddling like hell underneath. Yes, that sounds like me. Also the quacky cuteness masking the evil terror that lies beneath the feathery surface., that Major Dragon insists that is definitely part of my make up.

Thanks MD.

This past month or so I have been at one with my inner evil duck. Well Christmas/any festive time is never an easy time in a hoarder household and you need the quacky evil within to keep you paddling through. Doesn’t that sound ominous? Well it was a festive period and a half. Eastenders would have looked at it and gone, “no that is a bit too miserable, even for us”

So what was going on when I last lifted my head above the parapet? Oh yes, Nic Cage and carpets. Well after those particular glories, The Dragon Hoard settled down in to a more humdrum sort of routine punctuated with arguments about impending “celebrations.”
Now the goal last year was to bring Christmas back under Major Dragon’s beady eye. (Not that she really gives a bugger about the season but makes quite a drama about having to leave the Hoard to attend it elsewhere.) That particular wish of hers died on its arse and I am ok with that. It was always months of hard labour in the Hoard to create space, just to achieve a day when everyone could sit about critiquing my cooking. Farming this out to Reformed Dragon means I get a small rest. Once I have argued Major Dragon into getting washed and dressed and into the car and arrived 3 hours late to face more Dragon rage. This is all a little challenging at the best of times. This year had a new dimension added to it in the form of Major Dragon contracting an infection. With the benefit of hindsight and Nic Cage sitting down and shutting up, I can see she must have had been fighting a low grade infection for quite a few months. And she is no peaceful, well behaved patient. After a painful December of 24/7 care of my dragon who was unable to so much as wash or dress unaided, during which I, of course, had to drag her near bodily to medical professionals. And in the end xmas ended entirely barely before it had begun, in Accident & Emergency, with me ordering that they admitted her NOW, before I ended up parental dragonless. 

Paddle paddle paddle.

I bet no CoH reading will be surprised by the next bit.

Major Dragon was slowly on the mend in hospital and I ventured into her bedroom to clear it up for a returning convalescing dragon. A few hours of hard labour later, I realised there was no way in hell I was bringing her back to that room or the bed, which I discovered was a mass of broken springs, holes and god knows what else. I am guessing that is where the infection she is fighting came from.

It was time to RELEASE THE DUCK. I hit 2013 and even though it is still making a good attempt at hitting me back, by the Ducks and Dragons, I declared this year was going to be DIFFERENT. Major Dragon was informed she was not returning to the Dragon Hoard till it was made safe for her. There was a fair amount of yelling and dragon corralling, winter illnesses hitting all of us in turn and long and boring logistical faff that I hope I never have to live through again. (fat chance I know.) Organising an invading army and ensuring boots, food and weapons for all would be a snap compared to this, I am sure of it. I thank the NHS, all the meds we are on and the crisis management training forged in the CoH battles over the years, for supplying the Paddle Power to deal with it, without crying and running away. Well, there has been no running away so far at least. It doesn't sound like progress but managing to stay vaguely in charge in the face of all this drama is one major triumph I won’t forget in a hurry.

Which has leads us to the current circumstances. Major Dragon is under the care and steely eye of Reformed Dragon for the time being. Who is determined that Major Dragon will get better and MAKE NO MESS in Reformed Dragon’s rather tidy home. MD is temporarily cowed by angry offspring, illness and a hiding of car keys by aforementioned angry offspring to ensure she can’t escape. But there is an annoyed growling growing as she grows stronger. I reckon I have less than a week to create a safe space and buy an new bed for her before she breaks free and stampedes angrily about like a particularly decrepit Godzilla. A family member has loaned me a people carrier with all the seats removed and parked it in front of the Dragon Hoard. I am going to fill it with rubbish. A lot.

Wish me luck. *paddles*

*JUST ONCE I would like an entry to post without bizarre formatting. BAD BLOG. If anyone has any ideas as to how to fix/avoid this, please do tell me. The last two posts have been nightmares! Edit number...7? Stripped out all the formatting and tried again. Twice. PLEASE BE READABLE NOW.